Day 1 of My Ice Cream Cleanse
And so it begins…
155. The number of pounds my mildly fit ass currently weighs before starting this cleanse. I’ll be going into this thing knowing very basic information about dieting, cleanses, and my human anatomy in general. Here’s hoping I come out gaining some iota of extra information about any of these topics.
7:40 a.m.: Waking up before 8 a.m. with the rumbles in my tummy. My heart sinks a little bit as I realize I only have 5 pints worth of food to eat today. Not to mention I’m supposed to exercise every single day to help sweat out the toxins, so I’ll definitely be gaining an appetite there. I think this might be a little more difficult than I initially anticipated. My stomach wants food, but my mouth and head tell me to wait since food will be limited. I drink a glass of water instead.
8:30ish a.m.: My stomach pimp slaps my mouth and says we’ve waited long enough. I go for my first meal.
Cleanse: Day 1 – Meal 1: Blue Berry Yogurt: Even though it has only been sitting in my freezer for a few hours, it’s already turned into a glacier. Great, now I’m hungry and have to let my breakfast thaw. Maybe I’m just cranky.
8:40ish a.m.: My breakfast has thawed enough to a point where I can now move a spoon through it and scrape at the top. It looks and tastes like frozen yogurt. Not froyo, frozen yogurt. As in, put a Yoplait in the freezer and see what happens as the consistency, feel, and even taste changes. What might normally be cool and creamy food, is actually now like gritty ice shavings. Feel aside, it’s actually a decent taste. Pretty tart, and maybe it’s the flavor or maybe it’s the apparent seeds, but to me the first couple bites are mildly reminiscent of Jamba Juice’s Razzmatazz. Flavor wise, I’m decently on board, and the fact that breakfast is a cool, refreshing meal to wake me up in the morning isn’t half bad.
9 a.m.: I finish the pint. I feeling fuller than I imagined I would. We’ll see how long this lasts.
10:35 a.m.: I’m not starving, but if I wasn’t on this cleanse and someone invited me to a good brunch, I would absolutely take them up on the offer. I remember I’m actually supposed to be eating a mid-morning “snack pint,” so I crack that open to let it thaw also. I’m sensing a pattern with all the thawing.
10:50 a.m.: The thawing took a little longer this time around. Not sure if it’s due to the flavor or because the ice cream has been in the freezer longer. I only plan to eat half in case I need some for later.
Cleanse: Day 1 – Meal 2: Orange Creme: Upon scraping a little bit of the ice cream off the top, one word came to mind- Creamsicle. Awesome, I loved those things growing up and back in college. I eagerly dive in further. Bite 2: shit, I was way wrong, it’s not a Creamsicle at all. It’s like a physical orange has been creamified and then iced. I think there are literal chunks of pulp here. Similar grit as before though. I’m sorry I don’t the perfect freezer settings to taste this flavor in optimal glory. That said, the orange is really good. I genuinely feel healthy here, and the orange isn’t just some Tropicana sugary bs, this like California navel orange- which according to my uncle, when sliced correctly and serve with a glass of OJ, is like filet mingnon.
11:04 a.m.: A thought hits me. Is the grit because some vitamins were added? That would make sense so that I don’t die, but Ms. Kippy Miller who personally made this batch for me assured me that everything was o-na-ture-al.
Noon O’Clock: Time to let lunch thaw.
12:10 p.m.: Thawed enough, but I gotta eat something quick before I go exercise.
Cleanse Day 1 – Meal 3: Himalayan Salted Chocolate: From the depths of the Himalayas lies a chocolate so deep, it rooms with fuckin Balrogs. For reals, I’m not the greatest dark chocolate lover in large quantities. I like it one piece of See’s candy at a time, and that’s it. So a pint of this stuff is going to be tough. Because it’s dark chocolate, there’s already a heavy hand of bitter taste. This is only amplified by the saltiness added. After a few bites, I learn there’s a trick. The flavor comes in waves: Chocolaty goodness, chocolate darkness, and finally a salty bitter aftertaste. In order to get rid of the final step, all I have to do is keep adding new spoonfuls before I get to the last step.
12:20 p.m.: I didn’t finish before I needed to exercise… Crap.
2:00 p.m.: Rode my motorcycle in full garb (because I’m a super cautious when riding, your welcome Mom & Mary) to play some beach Football. Keep in mind that it’s super hot and I just took a schvitz in the devil’s armpit, but once rehydrate, I head out on the sand for some beach football.
2:10 p.m.: I’ve ran maybe 2 drives and am already heaving. Not sure if it’s due to the diet, heat, dehydration, or some combo, but this is one of the top 20 hardest workouts of my life.
2:35 p.m.: with ample breaks and water intake, I probably did a total of 12-18 sprints, and finish up the game. Absolutely exhausting, but if I’m supposed to be sweating out my toxins for 3 days, I’m decently sure they’re at least half gone now.
5 p.m.: make it home and devour the rest of my mid morning snack & lunch. I’m not even waiting for the thaw, so I’m getting a decent workout chipping away and the ice cream ice blocks. I also find that the Himalayan Salted Chocolate melts faster than the Orange Cream, and together, in an orange chocolaty swirl, I can manage the dark chocolate much better.
6 p.m.: I’m supposed to be eating dinner pretty soon, and I skipped my afternoon snack entirely. Not too worried though as I will probably be up decently late and like midnight snacks.
6:40 p.m.: So for my first bowel movement…. JK, I’m not going to get into that shit.
8:25 p.m.: Time for dinner. let the thawing begin. I skipped late afternoon snack because I’ll be eating that for dessert before bed.
8:45 p.m.: Cleanse Day 1 – Meal 5: Superfoods: Finally, some protein! Cinnamon and Raw honey with huge chunks of coconut meat. This one, much like the others was a little grainy, but easily has the best taste of the bunch. The cinnamon is definitely has a strong initial taste, providing an impact of spice. Quickly following is the coconut meat as the middle, but there’s still some lingering cinnamon, so it’s almost just like a mix of the two. Then, about 10-20 seconds after you swallow the ice cream, you get the most beautifully refreshing honey aftertaste. Like traveling through a dreary forest and coming upon a brightly lit meadow at its center. The energy and ambiance around you causes a calm to envelop around your body, healing any ailments you’ve received during your travels. I seriously dig this flavor, and even though I didn’t finish it all right away, I definitely know what I’m looking forward to tomorrow.
11:00 p.m.: I finish the superfoods meal since I figured the protein is going to be needed. That said, even though I’m pretty damn full right now, I’m going to try to get at least 2/3 of the way through the final pint for today. The reason why? I’m not a quitter, and at least want to adequately taste all 5 flavors.
11:15 p.m.: Cleanse Day 1 – Meal 4: Master Cleanse: This is a lemon cayenne, and saturated fat coconut cream ice cream, made with the sole intention of cleaning me out. In other words, this shit is gonna get real in the most literal sense. And right before I go to bed? I see nothing wrong with that plan…. As for the flavor, I didn’t taste hardly any of the cayenne, and the lemon was a very muted, almost essence of citrus. It was almost missing the lemon portion entirely and just… tart. Furthermore, I’m not sure if this is the residual honey aftertaste of the 5th meal, or the saturated fat of this one, but it almost had a sweet aftertastes. Kinda weird, but not bad way to end day 1. Now it’s time to rest and see how much my stomach recovers in the next 8 hours.
Continue Reading on for Part 2 next