Day 2 of My Ice Cream Cleanse
The Struggle is Real
12:30 a.m.: I decide to finish the rest of the Lemon Cayenne that I couldn’t finish beforehand.
4:12 a.m.: Weird rumblings in my stomach, and I begin to worry. I stumble almost drunkenly into the bathroom only to purge whatever’s in my body from both ends. I’m not sure if it’s the cleanse, the order I ate the pints, or something else. I mean, my roommate’s girlfriend was also throwing up earlier, and she isn’t going on a cleanse, so it could just be her fault giving me something. Either way, it’s time to puke and rally since I still got another 2 days of this.
9:19 a.m.: Not even hungry right now, but I know I need something in my body. Time to let breakfast thaw.
9:20 a.m.: A genius idea came to me. If I put the next meal after breakfast in the refrigerator, it should have a slow enough thaw so that it will be chilled but slowly melt to the optimum consistency by the time that meal rolls around. I’m pretty damn stoked actually.
9:32 a.m. Day 2: Meals 1 & 2: Blueberry Yogurt and Orange Cream – I begin eating pints one and two actually. The first one is a yogurt, which probably isn’t the best to eat first thing after throwing up, but it’s filled with probiotics which are allegedly good for digestion. The orange cream is supposed be filled with vitamin C and give you energy- so in the event that earlier this morning is actually my roommate’s girlfriend’s fault, I want to have my bases covered. Together, it’s actually a pretty decent combo. Orange and blueberry solidify my Jamba Juice theory from yesterday. Also, this might be the puking and lack of hunger at the moment, but I discover that 5 pints is actually more ice cream than I had originally anticipated. altogether it is over half a gallon per day. That’s why I’m only eating half of the first two (to make a whole), and then skipping the mid morning meal where I’d eat the other halves. I guess I’ll be back for lunch.
10:08 a.m: I partially lied about the part where I skip mid morning meal. So I’m back for a few more bites of each pint. The reason is because I realize half is way too little for each, so I try to make it around 2/3 of each pint. Eating them side by side, I also realize the difference in creaminess. The yogurt is definitely easier to scoop, as it melts far more easily than the orange cream. Also, since they were both sitting out for a while before I put them back in the fridge, both have a decent consistency now. It’s also far less gritty, so that’s a good thing to know for future reference. Satisfied with my progress, I put them back in the freezer.
High Noon Day 2: Meal 3:Himalayan Chocolate: Time for the darkest chocolate lunch. I’m not even hungry at the moment… how are these things so much more filling than regular food?! Side note, I was absolutely right about the fridge theory. Now I get sweet mildly creamy bliss instead of chipping away at the block of cream like some crappy ice sculptor. In theory this pint is supposed to control my thyroid gland and metabolism. Maybe that’s why I’m getting full. Seriously, I’m feeling full after only a quarter pint. That’s a single serving of a regular ice cream. WHAT HAVE I BECOME!?!? I’m so disappointed in myself.
1:30 p.m.: Back at the chocolate. It’s melted even more now, and I’m going to tear into this pint to show Mrs. Kippy that the Ice Cream King is NO ONE’s bitch.
1: 38 p.m.: I tap out again after completing 2/3 of the total pint. The chocolate is just so heavy, and now I’m beginning to experience the exact opposite of yesterday morning. My mouth says to continue, but my stomach says, “Easy there Bro Montana. This isn’t the superbowl, and we’re practically halfway through the regular season. Don’t blow out your shoulder just yet when there is still a lot of scooping that needs to be done.” I’m not sure how my stomach is so wise right now, but it’s right and I place the Himalayan Chocolate back in the freezer. P.S. Having my stomach talk to me is not a sign of insanity as a result of the cleanse. It’s a sign of insanity that has been culminating for a quarter century of living.
2:45 p.m.: Exercise time. Mrs. Kippy was very explicit in stating that I should remain active to sweat out the toxins- i.e. the whole point of a cleanse. That said, I nearly passed out doing sprints yesterday at the beach. Now with this cleanse, even though you have energy to do everyday tasks on this diet just fine, any heavy weight lifting or exercise that uses explosive power is probably not the best course of action. So I’m going to do a little one mile jog, and follow it up with my own version of “hot yoga.” For those of you wondering what my hot yoga is, I’m just sitting in my car with the windows rolled up in the sun, while doing child’s pose for 30 minutes. The mile wasn’t too bad as I took it really pretty slow- probably around a 9 to 10-minute mile. I’m building up a little sweat here, but nothing too crazy.
3:00ish p.m.: “Hot yoga” time. 90 seconds in and I need to crack a window. I would die if I did that for a full 30 minutes. Side note PSA: don’t leave your pets in cars with the windows rolled up. After about 10 minutes, I’m laying in a pool of my own sweat. I try to focus on my sense of touch as I feel each bead of sweat which rolls down my forehead, legs, and arms. I’m thinking to myself, “I’m probably sweating out the toxins in my body right now. So which of you little beads of sweat are the ones that contain the toxic sludge infesting my body?” Meditating only lasts so long before I bust out my phone and play sudokus for the remaining 10 minutes. During this time, every third move I find myself wiping away the sweat from my hands so as to not cause water damage from my phone.
3:39 p.m.: I’m back at home, chugging water and eating a the remainder of my leftover orange cream. I could use some energy, and the orange is super light so as to not ruin me. Sadly, because I put the orange back in the freezer, it’s back to frozen solid. I don’t even wait for the thaw and I have to scrape at it, hoping to get enough ice shavings to fill a spoonful. Then the lightbulb comes. I end up zapping it in the microwave for 14 seconds to help this thawing process a little bit. I will say it’s pretty good still and I haven’t grown tired of the orange flavor just yet. I’ll probably be having the lemon cayenne around dinner-ish time and then the final superfoods for a late second dinner.
6:00 p.m.: Going for the pint that broke the proverbial camel’s back so to speak. I inhale, and face my demon.
6:01 p.m.: Day 2: Meal 4 – Lemon Cayenne: Last night, I was going on about how I wasn’t sure if it was residual bee pollen from the superfood dinner ice cream, but somehow the cayenne flavor actually tasted kind of sweet. Well I confirmed it today in that it wasn’t the superfood meal #5 pint- it just so happens that the coconut of the lemon cayenne is brought out here and gives it a nice sweet taste. The cayenne is really more of the smallest of aftertastes and isn’t spicy at all. Again, the lemon is almost just citric acid barely has any of the lemon taste that you might come to expect in a lemonade, lemon candy, limoncello, etc. All in all, it’s still pretty decent and is going to continue to clear out the toxins, hopefully not by purging them in puke this time.
6:17 p.m.: I’m about 3/4 of the way through this pint and want to save room for dinner later tonight. I’m feeling pretty proud of myself at the moment, despite not living up to my full potential in eating all of every pint today.
6:32 p.m.: DON’T WASH YOUR HANDS AND THEN SNIFF THEM AFTER EATING THE LEMON CAYENNE! Now if you’re thinking, “Why the hell would I even do that in the first place?” The answer is not so simple. After eating the pint, I got a little bit on my hands and arms, so I decided to wash them and prevent sticky residue from lingering on my skin. Then some 15 minutes later I’m just chilling bored on my laptop with one hand on my cheek, and I smell a familiar but ominous smell- vomit. Yes, the trauma that I faced this morning is back to haunt me, and this time it’s due to my own hygiene. Something about soap, lemon, and the ever so slight spicy cayenne together emit a faint, but clear smell wafting towards my nose; like that of stomach acid that is lingering on the clothes you wore at a party and threw up a little bit on yourself in.
8:30 p.m. Day 2: Meal 5: Superfoods: This is the cinnamon, honey with bee pollen, and coconut chunk ice cream that I found surprisingly delicious yesterday. Luckily, the same holds true today. The honey cinnamon is flavorful, sweet, light, but surprisingly filling. The coconut chunks provide an great chocolate chip snap substitute, but are actually loaded with protein to help fill you up before the day’s end. In fact, I think this might’ve been my downfall last night. The coconut chunks are really filling, so when I went for another meal after the superfood meal, it was pushing past the limits of my fullness and my tummy turned ticking time bomb was set to explode in the wee hours of the morn.
9:30 p.m.: Superfoods round two. I wasn’t lying when I said how filling it is. Trudging through this second round I notice something this time. The ice cream actually kind of looks like vomit. The brown of the cinnamon and the chunks of coconut remind me spewages past, and I am deterred for a second. Then I push past that and continue eating.
9:43 p.m.: I finish the pint of superfood, ending day 2. I won’t be tackling any of the leftovers out of fear of repeating my mistakes. I’m a little over a half gallon for the day, and I can rest easy knowing that’s a decent amount of ice cream.
Continue reading on in Part 3 for my dramatic conclusion
Or go back & re-read Part 1 to analyze context
